As anyone who’s ever read a comic book will tell you, every major metropolitan newsroom must contain at least one superhero, or, more specifically, the secret identity of said superhero.

It’s one of the by laws that govern the cabal – I mean, secret societ…I mean, uh, public service organization commonly referred to as the “Media Elite.”

Which, of course, doesn’t exist. Heh, heh. Woo! That was close.

Anyway, what you probably don’t know is that smaller town newsrooms are not only where reporters hone their craft, but also function as a sort-of minor leagues for the superhero community.

As you may have heard, Seattle, as a major metropolitan area, has in recent months raised up a pretty good crop of caped do-gooders, the most notable of which is Phoenix Jones.

In our newsroom, the obvious choice to be a secret identity is Daniel Nash. He’s young, tall, broad shouldered and prone to all-night video game binges so we know he can handle the insomniac pressures of the double life inherent in fighting crime.

I was starting to suspect him myself but then he did a freelance story during which he went on patrol with and interviewed Pheonix Jones, as well as a few other Rain City superheroes, so we know it can’t be him.

That leaves me, I guess.

To be honest, I do kind of like the idea of being a vigilante. I like enforcing my version of justice.

It’s not like being a cop, who enforces all the laws. The key is finding something you are passionate about.

Play to your strengths.

That’s why I am considering becoming the Traffic Avenger.

That’s right, The Traffic Avenger: Faster than a Washingtonian passing lane, more powerful than a passive aggressive glare, able to pass two cars in a single move. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the Traffic Avenger and the patented Kia of Justice!

I vow to fight for common sense rules on the road. For example, anyone not driving right and passing left gets taken out with these spiffy Spy Hunter-style wheel-mounted tire slashers. You don’t want the Traffic Avenger to have to pass you on the right, my friend.

No turn signal? Can’t maintain a consistent speed? Inability to merge? Better hang on for a police-style PIT maneuver spinning you into the median; or at a very minimum to be bump drafted…

Or maybe I can be the Eyeroller, wielding my patented Heavy Sigh of Justice to snuff out the hyperbolic rhetoric of people like Tim Eyman, whose constant barrage of e-mails about a house bill to require paid signature gatherers and the companies that hire them be registered and charged a fee refer to it as the end of the initiative process when it is clearly allows initiatives, but is probably a bit anti-Eyman-style legislation-through-popular-bumper-sticker-fiat-as-a-career.

Or those in Wisconsin and other states who can’t seem to see that while state worker unions and the contracts they have negotiated are certainly part of the problem creating huge holes in state budgets, the answer is NOT doing away with collective bargaining (especially if you are only proposing to do away with for the unions that endorsed your opponent…) for state workers. The answer is negotiating better contracts.

But if I am traveling, the place the really needs my superheroics is Washington, D.C.

I could be the Logic Whisperer and use my patented Rolled Up Newspaper of Justice to whack the nose of Speaker John Boehner who had the lack of self-awareness to – with a straight face – call the administration’s decision to continue to enforce but no longer defend the Defense of Marriage Act a “controversial issue that sharply divides the nation” while making abortion center stage on a funding vote by trying to change the definition of rape.

A blast from my Reason Ray will remind him that a true conservative would want the government’s role in marriage to be as minimal as possible: recognizing it is simply a contract between two consenting adults that brings shared rights, benefits and responsibilities that are legally binding, like any other contract.

Government doesn’t and shouldn’t care what connotation marriage carries to you or your culture, it just enforces the contract. Which is why you need a court to get out of it.

Then we could stop wasting our time on stupid things and go back to arguing over the real issues, like what to cut and what to tax to try to narrow the gap between what we have and what we spend.

But that’s someday. For now, I don’t really have the time or energy for that sort of thing. This job keeps me pretty busy.

As far as you know, anyway.

Look, all I’m saying is if see a little, red Kia with a Lone Ranger Mask stretched across the windshield in your rearview mirror, you best make sure you’re in the right-hand lane, because I hear that guy fights for Truth, Justice and the Rules of the Road.