By Judy Halone-The Courier-Herald
In celebration of Valentine's Day, The Courier-Herald listened to three Bonney Lake couples share stories of how their marriages have stood the test of time. While Dwight and Martha Grover, Roger and Jean Swiney and Steve and Kari Wilhite reflected on their relationships, all had one thing in common: If they could, each would do it all over again.
The Wilhites
Talk with Steve and Kari Wilhite about the success of their 13-year marriage and it won't take long before they start giving credit to each other for its success.
“She puts up with a whole lotta stuff about me that she shouldn't have to put up with,” Steve Wilhite, 38, said.
Ask his wife and she'll say it's his sense of humor and generosity that won her heart.
“He's always willing to sacrifice for others,” Kari Wilhite, 36, said. “He goes over and above by extending his love to others. He's very thoughtful in his example of love.”
The Wilhites first met at a bowling alley while attending separate colleges. It was anything but the epitome of a first date.
“I was just there hanging with friends and they introduced her to me,” Steve Wilhite said. “She brought her homework and I thought that was pretty lame.”
Kari Wilhite explained. “I was pretty studious at first and he had to pursue me, because I was really into my studies.”
The two met again on a “sorta-blind date,” according to him.
“I didn't know I was on a date, and that's when I really found out who she was,” he said.
Their relationship grew while he furthered his career to enter the ministry.
“While we were dating I was a youth pastor and she would help out. Seeing her do ministry kind of confirmed to me that she would be my wife - just having that shared experience. We dated for four years.”
“We weren't dating for fun,” Kari Wilhite said. “We were dating someone we might possibly marry someday.”
Their courtship changed when Steve traveled north to Alaska for work.
“He wanted to see the world and be with his friends,” she said. “So we broke up. It was really a hard time but a precious time. We had no communication.”
The break-up lasted four months, until Steve sent a letter that started a correspondence by mail.
“He called me when he came home from Alaska and the first thing he said was, ‘Kari, I love you.' I waited for him to take that step because I just knew - I needed to wait.”
The wait was worth it; the couple married in 1994 and moved 3,000 miles from the Pacific Northwest to Tennessee while he earned his master's of divinity in Tennessee.
As their friendship strengthened, so did their ability to see life as an adventure - like the time they took an afternoon ride and returned with a memory that makes them laugh to this day.
“We caught a guy in eastern Tennessee riding his lawn deer,” he said. “We just started laughing.”
“I don't know what he was thinking, but we just thought it was so funny,” she agreed.
Steve earned his master's of divinity and the two moved to the Pacific Northwest, where he has served as pastor of Lake Tapps Christian Church in Bonney Lake since 2001.
Today they are parents of four children - two boys and two girls - ranging in age from 3 months to 8 years.
“Right now it's hard to even get a word in with each other sometimes,” she said. “We have to be intentional to make time for each other and have date nights once a week. We try to get out by ourselves, but it's more like twice a month.”
But even with parenting and work, the Wilhites believe that being a mom and dad brings out the best in both of them.
“There's nothing like it,” she said. “It's so wonderful and it teaches so much about yourself and character building for your own soul. You get to be a part of the process. It's overwhelmingly a blessing - and frightening - at the same time.”
The Wilhites credit a good sense of humor in each other for helping them through the tough times.
“We have the same passion about us,” Steve Wilhite. “She's able to handle adversity and difficulties. She's also crazy and fun. She likes to laugh. She's not really serious and that helps out - she has a little adventurous spirit.”
Kari Wilhite was equal in paying tribute to her valentine.
“Whatever is going on, he'll make the best of it and won't get flustered. His sense of humor can lighten things up. I just love him and how he's happy and free to be himself. I always tell him the best moment of my life was when he asked me to marry him, and the best day in my life was the day we got married. I'm so proud to be his wife.”
Steve Wilhite echoed her sentiments.
“If I had to do it all over again, I would,” he said. “I wouldn't make as many mistakes but I'd marry her again.”
The Swineys
There's no secret to Roger and Jean Swiney's 36-year marriage.
“We just get along, and we do things together,” Roger Swiney said.
The Swineys were introduced to each other in New Westminster, Canada, when the two attended a dance for CB club members. And they've been best friends since.
Roger retired from a career as a service engineer, where he worked as a machinist. He uses his knowledge of tools to fine-tune his hobby of woodworking - a hobby that has earned him a reputation around Bonney Lake for creating quality products.
Jean retired after a 22-year career with Albertsons as a bookkeeper and customer service representative. Today, she invests her leisure time reading and knitting.
“I like to read and knit and he likes to do woodwork,” Jean Swiney said. “So we both have our hobbies. He goes out in the shop and I can sit and read, or keep busy knitting for our new great-granddaughter.”
Recognizing each other's personal interests has made it easy for the two to talk with each other.
“You have to communicate,” Jean Swiney said. “When (couples) have a hard time communicating, they need to sit down and listen to each other.”
Roger Swiney agreed.
“You have to work together,” he said. “Otherwise, if you don't, it ain't going to happen. You have to be there through the best of times. Some days are bad and some are good.”
The Swineys don't seem to lack for social agendas; together they take regular trips to the Bonney Lake Senior Center and the Buckley Eagles - where Roger has been a member for 35 years - and plan events that keep their friendships alive.
“We usually have a group that goes out to breakfast to the Muckleshoot the second Saturday of every month,” Jean Swiney said.
But above all, the Swiney's favorite pastime is spending time together.
“We enjoy our friendships and togetherness,” Jean Swiney said. “We're happy, and we're trying to stay well.”
The Grovers
Dwight Grover owes his marriage to the military, the mail service and a match made in heaven.
Grover was drafted during the Korean War and was on his way from Fort Benning, Ga., to Fort Riley, Colo. Along the way, he passed through Indianapolis, Ind., to pay a visit to his sweetheart, Martha Sherman.
“He'd been asking me to marry him and kept putting it off,” his bride, Martha Grover said. “He wrote this letter saying he'd be coming through the area. I told him, ‘If you want to get married, we'll get married; if not, then I'm moving on.' We'd been dating for two years and communicating through letters,” she explained.
It's true.
“I proposed to her long distance by mail because we didn't use phones much in those days,” Dwight Grover explained. “I told her I'd be on leave in December and would be passing through the area. If she didn't feel like getting married, I'd go on to my duty.”
He took his chances.
“When I got there, she had already mailed the wedding announcements, so it was official.” Dwight Grover chuckled.
The Grovers married Dec. 25, 1955, raised three children and have five grandchildren. During the past 52 years, they've learned that growing together in the same direction has produced a healthy marriage.
“There were a lot of immature arguments,” Martha Grover said. “We thought we were so grown up - I was 22 and he was 25 when we married.”
Their marriage matured and, along with new attitudes, they both saw the importance of incorporating humor into their relationship.
“I think using humor in a marriage is very important,” Dwight Grover said. “It's one of the best ways to get to know people, because if you don't find things funny you're going to have a grim and non-satisfying life all around.”
“Humor is a sign of mental health if it's not used to avoid active communication,” Martha agreed. “Seeing the humor in a situation can give perspective.”
That perspective goes hand in hand with communication, they said.
“What I love most about Martha is that she is so frank and open with everything she says and does,” Dwight Grover said. “With Martha, you pretty much know where she stands most of the time.
“The basic thing is that to make a marriage work, you need commitment,” he said. “A marriage is not a contract; it is a covenant. When you go into a marriage, you should go into it with the idea that this is for keeps. A contract is a do-it-for-payment thing. But a covenant is something you have without expecting to get repayment.”
The Grovers' mindset comes from being raised in an era that saw little, if any, divorce.
“We've had our share of difficulties - every couple has,” he said. “But we've both been committed. We grew up when divorce wasn't even considered an acceptable way of life. It just was not something to consider, and it wasn't anything to be taken lightly. We started out with the mindset that this was good, and it was for keeps.”
The couple have been taking that message to others by hosting marriage seminars.
“I guess my advice to couples is to remember that the love they feel now, before they're married, is as great physically as it will be,” Dwight Grover said. “It's a hormonal thing. That simply won't last - the average is about two years, and it will pass. It has to be something so much more for the marriage to last.”
Their mentoring doesn't end there; Martha Grover has developed her first Life Strategies group for women who might not afford a personal life coach yet need help in achieving their goals.
As for the Grovers' own set of goals, the couple will celebrate their marriage this Valentine's Day over a quiet dinner.
“My marriage to Martha is the best thing that has happened to me,” Dwight Grover said.
Judy Halone can be reached at jhalone@courierherald.com.
