Momma always told me: “It’s just as easy to marry a rich lady as it is to marry a poor one.” So, the moment I turned 21, I set off for Hollywood because I imagined that’s where most rich ladies were. And they’d be famous as well.
You may not know this, but I spent my first 20 adult years living the high life in the glitter and flash of Beverly Hills. I became good friends with some of the most glamorous women in the world, including Angelina Jolie, Cher and Katie Holmes.
This being the case, I’m uniquely qualified to advise today’s young, adult males who may be on a similar quest. However, at the outset let me make one thing crystal clear: my mamma was mistaken. Marrying a rich woman, especially a famous one, is no easy task.
The first thing you must do is buy or steal an expensive pair of sunglasses. Preferably Gucci. Before you arrive at Mulholland Drive, put them on and, thereafter, rarely take them off. Starlets don’t like to make eye contact. Not even in the most intimate moments.
Hollywood ladies never look quite as beautiful in real life as they do on the screen. Though there are some exception, female stars who have been seen without clothing in films – like Kate Winslet, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman – usually don’t like to undress when they aren’t before a camera, not even in the privacy of their own bedrooms.
Upon meeting a starlet, it’s absolutely critical that you make a good impression during the first 30 seconds or you’ll immediately be cast aside. Worse yet, if you make them uncomfortable for more than 15 seconds, they’ll move on to someone else – and there’s always someone else who’s anxious to meet them.
Stars like to talk about themselves, so whenever there’s a conversational lull – a terribly awkward situation you should avoid at all costs – try asking them about their childhood. When they don’t know how to answer a question, which frequently happens, starlets will often giggle and lean forward to reveal more cleavage. If this happens, you should smile brightly – which reminds me, you should have your teeth cleaned professionally every other day – and stop asking questions. Also remember, your life is of no interest or importance to them, so don’t discuss it.
If you’re lucky enough to wed a Hollywood lady, the marriage probably won’t last long. I’m reminded of Kim Kardashian’s $20 million wedding. I’ve been to drunken parties that lasted longer than her marriage. Furthermore, when your marriage dissolves, you’ll be rudely kicked out on the street from which you came and, since no one in Hollywood gets married without a prenuptial agreement, you’ll be broke again.
Hollywood ladies are paranoid, so never talk about spies and hidden cameras because this only aggravates their condition. There is one exception to this general rule. If you can manage to secretly film a sex scene with them and leak it to the press, they seem quite receptive to this, owing to the large amount of publicity this attracts.
Make no mistake about it, starlets thrive on paparazzi. I recall having a drink with Paris Hilton shortly after her sex film hit the Internet. Though I realized the subject might be a bit embarrassing and even though I knew it was too late to rectify the situation, I still asked what she intended to do next. She fixed me in a cold stare, smiled and declared: “The Jay Leno Show.”
But of course. I should have known.
