The subject this week is the seventh grade.

I remember seventh grade as the time the world ended.

In the seventh grade, girls suddenly decided I was surreptitiously swallowing snot.

I immediately defended myself and said, “No, no, it’s lumpy buttermilk.” Then I would limp and throw my right arm backwards and claim I had been gored by a cow. Maybe if I had said a Spanish bull ran over me in Argentina I would have gotten their sympathy.

The great limp-cow gore whine always failed, no matter how many times I tried it.

The girls ran away and pointed.

That still happens when I enter a room, but it’s not girls anymore. It’s government officials (and everyone else).

Speaking of government officials and the seventh grade, after years of covering and following many city councils, commissions and government hopscotch, the images of seventh grade clicks with pointing and giggling from across the dance floor keep returning to me.

With the 2014 political season officially breaking out of the gates, I have been trying to figure out the best method to choose a candidate for office.

If the candidates are new to the elected positions, most of the ideas they put forward will fall off the cliff once they take a seat.

Government is designed to be slower than a teenager cleaning their room, and about as transparent (despite all the grand statements about being open).

If the candidate is an incumbent and states he or she is not a politician, become nervous and check for a rash.

Ask the candidate if an alien with furry hands flew in from the planet Make Believe to pound signs in the ground.

I thought maybe the test should be to find out if the candidate has graduated beyond the seventh grade.

Since I haven’t, I thought it would be nice if elected officials are at least beyond fake limps, arm throwing and claims of cow goring.

I considered trying to interview some seventh graders to come up with a multiple choice quiz, but they would likely use big words I don’t know.

The best course may be to practice my limp again and check for furry aliens discreetly pounding in political signs for not-politicians.