I should open this column with a disclaimer: I have nothing against attractive people. Outside every pandering movie or TV series that pits a misfit protagonist against cheerleaders and jocks, the aesthetically advantaged are, by-and-large, just like everyone else, complete with jobs, families, varying moral fiber and aches and pains in their bodies – their beautiful, beautiful bodies.
But I’m also a firm believer in Attractive human Being Syndrome, a devastating health condition that is seeing a steady increase in reported incidences. Attractive human Being Syndrome – or ABS – is caused when friends, family and strangers around the attractive person offer them praise based on their looks but give that praise under the pretense of praising a skill or ability. Over time, the constant misdirected praise shifts the zero point of the sufferer’s self-image up out of normal range, past delusional and into messianic levels. An example from Chelsea Handler’s career:
Handler: “Sober people are lame! My dad pees in the backyard! I’m promiscuous!”
Strange man: “Wow, you’re funny. You should be a stand-up comedian!”
Handler: “Hmmmm…”
Dangerous stuff. And it used to be that ABS was limited to those few people that began being attacked by praise at a young age, but Facebook has increased both the intensity and spread of the disease a thousandfold. Now every statuesque blonde who writes a status update or Tweets about the taco she had for dinner can expect no fewer than 20 comments from guys who want to feel justified looking at her posted beach photos. She is objectively awesome and now she has the hard numbers to prove it.
Believe it or not, a kissing cousin of the condition inflicts the news. It’s called Attractive News Trend Syndrome, or ANTS, and, like actual ants, it spreads into your household and proves impossible to get rid of.
In this metaphor, an issue like the so-called “Ground Zero mosque” would be the attractive person and journalists everywhere would be the sweaty, socially awkward suitors – so it’s actually a very accurate comparison.
To me, the Islamic community center is a very cut-and-dry issue: it’s freely practiced religion on private property, in an area that already has a long-standing Muslim community. But one Tweet from @SarahPalinUSA and “news” organizations everywhere get whiplash turning their heads toward Manhattan.
Imagine if the world time traveled back to the era before the Internet and the 24-hour news cycle. All else being equal, coverage of the Ground Zero mosque would probably be limited to the New York region. News publications elsewhere in America would have to fill their page space with local elections, statewide debates, city council votes; in other words, things that are actually relevant to us.
But we live in the here and now. Sexy issues sell news; Even if you take away the Internet and cable news, that’s still a fact. Since scandal erupted in our own 31st District race, can you recall even one legislative issue discussed? Think about it.
Thankfully, the solution can also be borrowed from our good friend ABS. When dealing with a suspected attractive person in the field, I implement affirmative action and treat them a little worse than I would someone with lesser cheekbones. Have I told you to go to hell? Congratulations!: you’re attractive!
Do your part to fight the same inflated importance in the news: Tell balloon boys, Ground Zero mosques, nonissue elections and all other attractive-yet-insipid issues to go to hell.
