The late mayor of Sumner, Dave Enslow, once told me: “Friends come and go, but enemies are forever.”

This quote made me think about revenge and the threat of an enemies list. Here are some quotes about revenge:

“The problem with revenge is that it never evens the score. It ties both the injured and the injurer to an escalator of pain. Both are stuck on the escalator as long as parity is demanded, and the escalator never stops.” – Lewis B. Smedes

“Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.” – Fredrich Nietzsche

“While seeking revenge, dig two graves—one for yourself.” – Douglas Horton

“An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Is revenge “sweet”? Not based on psychological research. Here’s a quote from Pat Streep inJuly 19, 2017’s Psychology Today:

“While participants thought they’d feel better after exacting revenge, the researchers found the very opposite. It wasn’t just that punishing the transgressor didn’t provide a release but that it in fact made participants focus on and ruminate about both the transgressor and the transgression more, especially if the person had taken revenge himself rather than simply witnessing it.”

There is a link between narcissism and revenge. According to Streep’s article: “The people most hell-bent on revenge were both low in forgiveness and high in narcissistic traits. As the researchers wrote: “Both the narcissist’s inflated social confidence and the narcissist’s sense of entitlement could produce a desire to retaliate against wrong-doers and could reduce constraints on acting on this desire…. The narcissist’s vengefulness to his unconscious shame and his need to defend himself against that shame being revealed, leaving him thin-skinned and vulnerable to anything that looks vaguely like an attack. When he feels attacked, he reacts with no holds barred.”

In another Psychology Today article dated Nov. 25, 2023, Bernard Golden Ph.D. notes:

“We live in a culture in which many individuals are currently focused on anger and revenge, a culture that emphasizes action rather than reflection, being impulsive rather than thoughtful, and quick to globally blame others for all of their suffering. This is further endorsed by political movements that thrive on anger and revenge.”

Golden offers advice to rid ourselves of our desire for revenge: “Letting go of the desire for revenge requires strengthening our rational brain to override our emotional brain, an ability to show restraint even while we may wish for revenge. It calls for strengthening our capacity for forgiveness—of ourselves and others. This requires ongoing self-monitoring and commitment to change and, by doing so, developing a new default reaction to experiencing wounds.”

So, the way to end a desire for revenge is to become more self-aware when we do desire revenge. That requires that we exercise self-control. Finally, we need to be aware that we all are flawed and fallible. In other words, we must become humble and realize that most people act stupidly because they simply are not thinking, not because they are trying to hurt us.

The problem with desiring revenge is that it causes us to focus on our hurt rather than look for ways to improve the world we live in. This is the problem with the creation of enemies lists. We and the nation would be better off if we found ways to use our time being outwardly focused and improving our condition rather than punishing or destroying our enemies.

I am speaking to conservative Christians who have more of a tendency to politically support those who seek revenge. “Vengence is mine, says the Lord, I will repay” (Deuteronomy 32:35).

Wouldn’t we be better off trying to improve ourselves and our nation rather than seeking revenge for past real or imagined injustices?

Our enemies don’t have to be enemies forever. The choice is up to us.