“Stressful interpersonal connections may lead to health problems, such as heart disease.” – Kelly Bilodeau, “Fostering Healthy Relationships,” July 1, 2023 Harvard Health Publishing: Harvard Medical School

When I was a teenager, my mother gave me some valuable advice. She told me my father was not very social, had few friends, and that I needed to break away from his role model and work to develop deep, lasting relationships.

I considered her advice, but it took me almost forty years to take it to heart and act upon it.

Her words were true then but even more so now since the world has experienced the COVID-19 pandemic.

Bilodeau states, “If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s the importance of social ties and human connections. Not only do they improve your emotional well-being, but they can bring physical benefits…. The pandemic and political polarization that has occurred in recent years may be exacerbating factors for some.”

I was lonely during my mid-to-late twenties. My dad died of a bleeding ulcer when I was twenty-two. I had moved back to Washington State after living in Southern California for seven years. I had few close friends. My dad’s role model was to keep feelings inside — showing emotions was viewed by his generation as a sign of weakness in men.

It took me another twenty years to realize the need to develop relationships. I had been married and divorced by then with two young children. Taking care of them as a non-custodial parent helped me to break out of my isolation. I wanted to be the dad I never had. I spent a lot of time driving up to visit with them near the town of Snohomish when I lived in Bonney Lake. I went to see them, their plays and sports activities two or three times a week after my school workday ended. We’d go to the library where I’d read to them, or to a park where I played ball or Frisbee with them. Fortunately for me, I could drive up there in about an hour-and-twenty minutes. I could not do that today with the traffic the way it is.

Eventually, both my kids ended up living with me in Bonney Lake when they were in their early teens. I had a goal of making my children my friends when they became adults. When they had children of their own, I developed close relationships with them as well.

I tried to develop some male friendships, but it seemed most of the guys only became talkative after a few beers over a campfire in the dark. I desired more than that.

I developed relationships with my teacher colleagues over lunch. If I had an issue with my students, I’d throw it out to my fellow teachers at the lunch table to see how they would have solved the problem. It created lively discussions while I sat back and listened to their responses. It’s one of the things I miss the most after retiring from Sumner High School in 2006.

I joined the Mountaineers, where I developed a close relationship with a fellow teacher who had retired. We still meet once a week for breakfast. That relationship has continued for over twenty-two years.

I remarried and found my wife to be an excellent listener. She taught me social skills and trust that allowed me to reach out to others and to become an empathetic listener myself. I developed relationships with her two daughters and eventually their spouses and their children. I joined the Enumclaw City Council, and then started writing editorials for the paper in 2012.

I also became chair of the Enumclaw Library Advisory Board, and then president of the Enumclaw Plateau Historical Society. I am active in my church. I teach senior citizen Prime Time classes for Green River and have for sixteen years. I have developed close friendships at the health club I attend. All of these activities caused me to come out of my shell.

I’m deeply grateful that my mother gave me the advice of breaking out of my father’s mold and developing friendships. It’s taken a longtime, but now I have lots of friends and family to connect with. I’m healthier both emotionally and physically because of it.

Sometimes, our parents or other mentors give us a vision with their words that lasts a lifetime.

“At the heart of life lie the relationships we have with other people.” –Henrik Edberg